Friday, January 29, 2010

Diligence Schmiligence

If you're a lawyer or any kind of businessman, you'll understand the term 'due diligence' - it's a process of care a reasonable person must complete before entering into any agreement or transaction with another party, usually in a financial arrangement.

Now due diligence is a pretty fine thing, applied properly and in my thinking, it's a process we can all apply to one of the most frequent transactions we make - and that's in our daily communication.

Like a financial transaction, communication in its true form involves an exchange: one party gives a piece of information to another party and in processing it, there's due diligence required on both sides to ensure the transaction is effected to the mutual benefit of all parties.

It seems fairly straightforward to me but I'm often amazed at how frequently communication is despatched without enough of the due diligence required.

In my world of public relations in fact, there are often 'whoopsies' that can sometimes necessitate damage control and usually are the result of over-worked and exhausted practitioners juggling too many balls,

That, of course, is no excuse!

Every one of us can benefit from taking some extra time to ensure we conduct good due diligence on both our private and public communications.


SOME DUE DILIGENCE TIPS
For written communication
  • Check the accuracy of your facts including names and titles
  • Check dates if relevant (it's a common mistake to have the right date but the wrong day of the week, for example)
  • Check the appropriateness of your language (especially, approach the use of humour with care)
  • Check your spelling - and no, do not rely on a spell checker. In Commonwealth countries, the Oxford English is preferred while Microsoft relies on the Webster.
  • Check your punctuation and grammar.
  • Check the overall presentation of your document. Sloppy layouts can deter your reader.
  • Avoid typo-ventillation!
For spoken communication
  • If it's an important meeting, practice what you'll say. It is amazing how much this process helps you clarify thinking.
  • Make notes if you must.
  • Check your facts.
  • Moderate your tone throughout the interchange.
  • Be aware of your language. Avoid using qualifers like "absolutely" or "definitely" as they often give an impression of insincerity or uncertainty.
  • Be aware of eye contact, posture, proximity and so on.
Due diligence is especially important in our time of increasingly globalisation. Companies seeking to diversify into global markets should be aware of the importance of due diligence in terms of cross-cultural communication.

We can learn from the mistakes of big brands. Here are some I've found. Enjoy!


Coca-Cola
When Coca-Cola moved into China, the famous brand was rendered in Chinese characters.   Regrettably, these translated to "bite the wax tadpole" in one dialect, which sounds very sexy don't you think?  In another dialect it meant "female horse stuffed with wax".  Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, Ko-Kou-Ko-Le which could be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth" - aah, much better!


Pepsi Cola
Coke's nemesis, Pepsi also decided to launch in China and discovered too late that its catch 'Pepsi give you zest for life' slogan translated to 'Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave'.  Yoiks!  Now that's one way to cure a soft-drink addiction!


Zube Throat Sweets
This successful British throat lozenge was launched into the North African Arab Market - alas, 'Zube' is a slang term for a large horse's penis, apparently.  
Nestle Baby Milk
In Central Africa, the local people are used to labelling that depicts the food that is inside the tin because many people cannot read English.  When Nestle imported its tins of baby food into the region, the graphic on the label included a smiling baby.  


Vauxhull
Vauxhall launched its small car the Nova model into Spain - but 'no va' in the lingo means 'won't go'.  The care was later renamed the Caribe.


Triumph
Over to Germany, where a British car maker launghed its Triump Acclaim model.  The brand 'Triumph Acclaim' in German translates to 'Sieg Heil'.  One assumes it ran on gas.


Sunmaid Californian Raisins
The British are known to be a bit bawdy at times but Sunmaid Raisins might have done their homework a little better.  On the back of the packaging of this product, Sunmaid suggested:  "Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?"  In the UK, 'tossing' is a slang word for masturbation.  Perhaps a good meal for Onan the Barbarian


Coors
Coors ads did not run well in the Spanish market when their otherwise successful slogan 'Turn it Loose' translated into the Spanish 'Get Diarrhoea'... the beer must've been crap.


Starbucks
Starbucks executives must have got themselves into a right froth when thousands of posters were printed in Germany encouraging their Teutonic customers to 'Enjoy your morning Latte'.  In German, 'Latte' is slang for an erection.  Oops.





Wednesday, January 13, 2010

WARNING: Contains Explicit Language!





"Nobody heard of fucking Howling Dogs. I was fucking living in a fucking packing crate in the alley behind Romanos Pizza. I've been punk, funk, grunge, and R&B. I've been with the Funky Butts, the Pitts, Beggar Boys, and Howling Dogs. I was with Howling Dogs the longest. It was a fucking depressing experience. I couldn't stand fucking singing all those fucking songs about fucking hearts fucking breaking and fucking goldfish fucking going to heaven. And then I had to fucking look like some western dude. I mean, how can you have any self-respect when you have to go on stage in a cowboy hat?"  I was pretty good at cussing, but I didn't think I could keep up with Sally. On my best day, I couldn't squeeze all those "f" words into a sentence. "Boy, you can really curse," I said.  "You can't be a fucking musician without fucking cursing."

Janet Evanovich in Stephanie Plum


The Fucking F-Word is everywhere. It's hard to ignore with popular culture fucking bulging at the fucking seams with expletives, mainly beginning with the Letter F. My sister Fiona and I are both aspiring writers and recently, we were talking about these words, swear words that fucking crop up when you least fucking expect them and can totally fuck up your view of whatever piece of writing you're fucking reading at the time.

Being the good Catholic girl that I am, dropping fucking words into my fucking writing is fucking liberating. It's like committing a fucking sin and even as I write this blog, I'm checking over my shoulder for a fucking nun to come out and biff me across the fucking ears.

Back in my younger days, 'fuck' really used to be a bad word but I have to confess, it was sometimes heard within the four walls of my home partly because of my dad who had a stint as a truck driver. As a Ceylonese immigrant wanting to speak like the fucking natives, you had to fuck around with the word a bit just to show you fucking belonged.

When I was much smaller and still living in what was still Ceylon, Dad didn't use use any fucking bad words. I used to hear him say "bloody shit" on the phone when he was 'blackguarding' someone (a commonly used Ceylonese word), but the most we'd dare to say was 'fiddlesticks' or 'balderdash', thanks in part to the diet of Enid Blyton books that played a big role in our education. Hey, we even called our folks Mummy and Daddy so WTF - Enid had a lot to fucking answer for.

Nowadays though, the F-word seems to be fucking inescapable and, as both a writer and communicator, I can't help thinking "What the Fuck?" is our language completely fucked?  If you have children, just have a look if you can at your child's Facebook or MSN site.  It's not just the F-Words these fucking kids are using.  There's also the C-word and it's no big fucking deal to them. 

Once upon a time, the careful placement of an F-word could add considered colour to a sentence.  It was the fucking rarity of the useage of the word that was the source of its power.  

 You may have heard the "F-word" originated in ye olde England when apparently folks needed a permit to have children with said permit allowing Fornication Under Consent of the King. Sadly though, it's a load of fucking crap.   

In fact, the roots of the word "fuck" are derived from its Anglo Saxon heritage. The German 'ficken' and the Dutch 'fokken' both mean 'to breed' while the Proto-Germanic 'fokan' means to copulate. The fucking Dutch do not consider 'fokken' crude, but the fucking Germans and Scandinavians do.

But why would a writer or any communicator choose to use these fucking words considering there are so many other words in our language?

Certainly, at least once upon a fucking time, the type and frequency of epithets (ie. swear words) indicated a certain level of education and breeding. Characters didn't fucking swear willy nilly.

The Queen in Alice in Wonderland did not shout "Off with his fucking head"...Juliet did not cry: "Romeo, Romeo where the fuck are you?"...Hannibal Lecter did not say: "A fucking census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a fucking nice chianti."

And as Calamity Jane, Doris Day certainly did not say: "What fucking excitment?  Why I got more fucking arrows in the back of that coach than a porcupine's got fucking stickers."  No siree.

How times have fucking changed.  These days, even if the use of swear words is true to the fucking character, its overuse can be truly nauseating and even distressing.  Frankly, my brain tends to flat-line after the first 20 or so F-words because those fucking words can hammer the joy out or your reading or viewing experience, for fuck's sake.  Why do characters need to swear so much?

My advice to anyone who writes anything - whether toilet graffiti or Academy Award winning dialogue, is therefore to use the F-Word with caution.  Less is more and the best example is the opening to the cinematic hit, "Four Weddings and a Funeral".  After an opening where Hugh Grant's character, late for a wedding mutters:  "Fuck, Fuck, fuck, fuck.  Fuck! Fuck, fuckity fuck fuck... fuck-a-doodle-doo", the rest of the movie was fairly tame with barely an F-Word showing its foul-mouthed fucking head.  There were enough swear words to raise a smile without overdoing it. 

Remember that, unlike a James Bond martini, you want your audience stirred, not fucking shaken. 

If you're still seeking guidance, let me leave you with this vignette from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. I hope you'll find it instructive as Kirk and Spock converse aboard a bus: 

KIRK: Excuse me! ...Excuse me! Would you mind stopping that noise?
(a punk turns up his ghetto blaster sound)
 

KIRK: Excuse me! Would you mind stopping that damn noise? 
(Spock gives the punk a nerve pinch, stopping the noise and gains a round of applause from the bus)
 

SPOCK: Admiral, may I ask you a question?
 

KIRK: Spock, don't call me Admiral. ...You used to call me Jim. Don't you remember? Jim. ...What's your question?
 

SPOCK: Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, ...shall I say ...more colourful metaphors. 'Double dumb ass on you' ...and so forth.
 

KIRK: You mean profanity. That's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention to you if you don't swear every other word. You'll find it in all the literature of the period.


SPOCK: For example?
 

KIRK: Oh, the collective works of Jacqueline Susann. The novels of Harold Robbins.
 

SPOCK: Ah! ...'The giants'