Yes, honey, I know you're a Facebook Whore - you regularly spread your words; you tempt your friends to 'like' you with 'come hither' revelations; you parade yourself, sometimes brazenly, swinging the handbag of your daily routines in the hope that it may attract a new 'friend'.
Yes I know. There. There. Let it all out. I understand, really I do.
But listen up, friend. You need to wisen up. The world's a cold, hard bitch and you don't know who's out there, judging you, envying you, hating you, laughing at you.
Or maybe wanting to be you - if you handle things right.
Here's my lessons for the day: listen up and maybe, just maybe, you'll be less Lady Gaga and more Audrey Hepburn when you swing that tush up the Facebook superhighway:
Lesson 1:
Moderate your content
Your post for the day is a gift from you to all your friends - all 12,896 of them. And a good gift is good for business if you get my drift. My number one rule is that your posts should give good info, have them laughing or maybe, leave the peeps inspired. But whatever you do, don't bore them, honey. Just don't bore them. My good customers get it, the ones who never question my price. Regular customers get a buzz from stuff like: Quotes - you know, those clever things other people say; Observations (shit you see); Funny stuff; and things that make people really THINK. Who doesn't love learning something new, laughing your guts out or looking at the world in a different way? I sure do. But hey, if it's nasty or unpleasant in anyway, backspace or delete I say. Come back when you have a nicer handbag. One that doesn't clash with your shoes.
Lesson 2:
Moderate your emotions.
Yes, you're having a bad day. You're tired, angry, frustrated, disappointed, in fact you feel like SHIT, man! But really, is it worth 'sharing'? Somewhere around the other side of the world, your friend is having a lovely evening. The crickets are humming, kids are asleep and she's got her lovely cup of tea all ready for dunking that last gingernut biscuit into. Does she really deserve your rage or your whining or you bleating just before she hits the sack? Do you want to leave your friends feeling uptight, disturbed, enraged, just plain pissed off? Maybe it's time to try a different cologne, man. You need some serious pimping.
Lesson 3:
Be genuine.
I have to be honest and lay it on the line here, babe. Of all the stuff my customers bring to me, this one really gets my goat. You've read them haven't you. Your fellow whore next door wants some advice and she asks for it, up there on her wall. Well, hmmphh, it makes me want to gag. The way your gen-u-ine request for feedback attracts nothing but fawning, gushing, goddammed adulation. It's nothing but ingratiation in my books and if I were you, I'd make sure those customers of yours weren't giving up the same nooky to the competition. You know what I'm saying. Are you being completely honest with your friends? Or you bullshitting - again. Now, don't give me that "What you talkin' about Willis look". I see through you so next time, you ask yourself what this sucking up achieves? You've got that lipstick on too thickly honey and we know those eyelashes are fake.
Lesson 4:
Protect your image.
For most likely 80% of your friends, Facebook is the only time they get to say diddly squat to most of their buddies since last Chrismas. So pay attention, honey, what you're saying and why really matter to me. Everything you say in the Facebook Palace shows me who you are, what you think and even what sort of buttons I can push to set you off. So be careful. You think you're coming across like a hot customer, I should be lucky to have and meanwhile, I've got the mace ready. You know exactly what I mean. You never saw Ms Audrey out with her Poker Face and an outfit made of Kermit the Frogs. Choose your costume carefully, friend, and watch how you walk.
Lesson 5:
Moderate your ongoing themes
Now we all have regular customers, the once who'll always stop to check you out, maybe give you a whistle. They'll say something nice about your tush. And of course, you see them too, out there, parading their stuff on the wall across the highway. And these regulars, after a while they start noticing the kind of stuff you like to spread, too. They notice your wardrobe, who and how you chat to your pals, how you strut your stuff. They get your beat. And they start to get the big picture, about what you're really like and what you're really into. It's the theme you see. It's what YOU make your 'usual-usual'. When you see Gaga in her weird getups, you might think she's out there, weirdo, or even cool. You might even fancy her, depending on whether the rumours are true. But the point is she can't control what you think about her. She can only control what she wears. She can only control her theme which only emerges over time. You get it? How do you want your clients to see you, honey? Interesting? Funny? Cool? Crazy? Caring? I don't really care what it is, as long as you're interesting. Any lipstick is better than no lipstick at all. And no handbag? Forget it!
Lesson 6:
Moderate your participation
Lastly, babe, here's maybe the most important lesson of all. We Facebook Whores need business and we keep a close eye on our mailing list. We know who our regulars are and how often they visit. Especially, we know creepy ones, the ones who want to be our friend but we never hear a word from. Not one. And, unavoidably, we know the other type as well - the type who like to fondle us - a lot! The difficulty is that, while we like to keep in - er hem - 'touch', neither do we like being hassled. This streetwalking business is not our day-job and we've got other things to do, you understand? Believe it or not, we can afford to be choosy. It's a good business out here: why else would I be doing it right?
So here are some tips to take your ultimate pimping, the stuff you should know if you want to keep us whores really happy:
1. Facebook Whores secretly despise their invisible friends. So if you've never posted, liked, or stopped for a chat with your friend, prepare for deletion at some stage of your relationship. Don't take it personally but no one likes stalkers. But don't be afraid. My fellow Facebook Whores are always very polite. It's part of our industry code. You probably know it. "Facebook Pro 2011: The Streetwalker's Guideto the Facebook Galaxy". We'll give you a warning before it's "So long and thanks for all the fish." Engage or disengage is the key, honey. If you want to ignore us, get off our street.
2. Facebook Whores don't like being hassled. Most of us are really not interested in a blow by blow account of how your day is panning out. Look, I know it's rivetting that you're buttering your ham sandwich right now but really, maybe save the post until after you've eaten it and comment on the wonderful new flavour you created with the addition of a few anchovy. "I love anchovies!" Really? If in doubt, refer to Lesson 1-5 above.
3. Sweetie, petal, darl, we're addicted to Facebook, but for us whores there are no instructions on the bottle. We haven't got a clue what the right dosage is, so like everything, we can only be guided by commonsense. Sometimes, you really do want two or three. But any more than that, and you're probably close to overdosing. Be honest. You're probably addicted. And you need help.
My name is Bronwyn Hope and I'm a Facebook Addict :)
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